Beyond blood…

It was the year 1993. At the age of 13, Life gave me one of the best gifts yet. A baby sister. I did not know it then but my relationship over the years with this little baby was to encompass sisterhood, motherhood and the deepest friendship of my life.

I remember that time when she was around two years old. She was swinging joyfully on the little red plastic swing that our father had hung from the ceiling in our living room. She slipped off, fell and landed on her head. The skin near her hairline broke and she bled and bled and bled. More from the sight of blood than the pain, she was howling with all her might when I walked into the house after finishing school. My mother’s thinking faculties were numbed with the fear of how bad the wound looked. As soon as the little one saw me, she came straight to me and asked to be held. My uniform was soaked through with her blood.

Maybe a year later, she was climbing on the gate of our house. She was demonstrating to her little friend that it was very safe to do so and the best view of the street was from the top of the gate. The demo didn’t go as planned. While giving the speech about how safe it was, she lost her footing and fell down. She landed on her chin which split and there was the gushing of blood again. I ran towards her to scoop her up in my arms. Needless to say, I was soaked to my skin with the amount of blood that poured forth.

A couple of more years passed by; I was in college now. I was returning home in an auto. As the auto turned into our lane, the little mink ran across the street while playing. The auto screeched to a halt. I heard her scream. I jumped out of the auto (fell flat on my face in the bargain). There had been impact. The metal edge of the auto had just missed her eye. And yes, there was the profuse bleeding again.

Image

She needed stitches every single time. Given her fear of needles, the doctor at the ER managed to hold the skin together with some kind of fancy glue. The scars remain. I am the custodian of the stories behind each of the scars much in the same way that I was the custodian of her pain at the time that she got hurt. I think there has been enough of her blood on me over the years to bring home the point that we may not share the same DNA but we are totally and completely related by blood. More importantly, we are related by stories, a common history, by tears, laughter, memories that we have created together and love.

Often times, I have been asked, “Oh, she’s not your own sister?”. What do we mean by “own”? If it is a word used to ascertain a sense of ownership, then even my brother is not my “own”, my parents are not my “own”. It would be very arrogant of me to believe that I can own any living being. Are they my “own” because we belong to each other? Then my sister is my own as much as the rest of my family is. In fact more so; I did not have a choice with the rest of my human family but I did with her.

Image

Many people have told me how great my parents are for having chosen to adopt a child despite having two of their “own”. To them I quote Kahlil Gibran. “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” Yes. News Flash. Nobody is your own, not even your “own children”.

Our family began when my parents adopted each other. We each have so many relationships that are born and sustained out of love, with our friends, dogs and cats. Why then are we so hung up about being related by DNA when it comes to having children?

My sister does not look like me and she’s the better for it. Who would WANT to inherit the big nose and broad forehead that have come to me because of my genes anyway? But there are times when she cracks people up with her dry sense of humour… when she infuriates her friends with her ability to switch off completely from her surroundings… when she picks up a puppy in a precarious condition off the street and arranges for a safe home for it… when she fearlessly and confidently tries out things that stir her passion… when she pig headedly stands her ground when she believes in something… these are the times that I am told she is EXACTLY like me. Does anything else matter?

Image

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Beyond blood…

  1. hi …. I am a mom of a three yr old son and seriously thinking of adopting another … scared though on how my son would react …. not now but when he grows older

    Your article gives me so much hope !

    • Any fear that one has… fear of how the biological kids will react, how the extended family will react, how the society will react… will manifest in your life and cause problems. You can prepare your son like our parents prepared my brother & I, include him in the decision making process when he is old enough to understand and you can do this too 🙂 Good luck!

  2. i am not a parent….and am sure that i will never give birth to one…yet i have so many children around me who i love and adore……i think it is petty when people question on the background of the child if not in the family via birth….IMHO i think it is easy to bring the child in the world – the challenge is to bring up the child, instill the values, give security, love and emotional anchor……and your sister is your own and like you rightly said we all adopt each other to be a part of each other’s lives……

    • Rightly said Shalini. I showed this to my sister before putting it out on a public platform. The fact that she was completely okay with this is testimony of the love and security that she has grown up with.

  3. Beautiful!! Tugged at so many of those heart strings and yes we don’t and can’t “own” anyone. Wish you and your siblings many more happy memories, occasions and days full of love!

  4. My “blood brother” is 9 years older than I am and there is still a chasm of connection we are unable to bridge. It’s beautiful to have that closeness and love with someone. Being born of the same mother doesn’t guarantee it in any way.

  5. My husband and I adopted a baby girl a year ago. We saw her the first time when she was a few days old, and brought her home when she was just four months. Being a mother was not in my plan and for the 11 years we were married, we never brought up the topic. We had a very good friend circle and we lived in a closed knit community where practically all kids were our kids.we were in our comfort zone, and not quite willing to come out of it.
    Well, it all changed one day. Someone I know was contemplating abortion with her unwanted pregnancy and that incident pulled a plug somewhere inside me. I brought up the idea of baby with my husband and within a few months we found our little girl. I cannot express in words, how this girl has changed our lives. I am amazed at how attached she has become to us, how she has the exact hair texture as mine, the exact complexion as my husband’s. The one thing that surprises me the most is her natural response to music and dance. My husband and I are great art aficionados.
    I have come to strongly believe that this girl, though born to different parents is always meant to be ours. She is destined to follow our journey of life as our daughter and to make a mark in this world in her own right! I sometimes wonder our luck in being able to have found her and how meaningful our life has come. I guess i must thank God 🙂

  6. I totally agree Chinthana.

    This reminds me of an incident when a few colleagues and I were discussing marriage and children.

    Suddenly the discussion veered towards me and one of my colleagues began explaining to me the ‘importance’ of marrying at the ‘right’ age and how the biological clock keeps ticking which makes it difficult to conceive as age progresses. She was quite aghast when I told her that I do not believe that one has to have children biologically only and that I, on the contrary, would love to adopt a child instead of having one of my ‘own’. Why bring another being into the world when there are so many who could be brought into the fold of a family?She declared that I have no ‘mamta’ in me and hence do not want children of my ‘own’. I did try explaining to her my definition of ‘mamta’. I have the capacity to love a child for the love of the child and not just because it comes from my womb. I am too sure it was of much use 🙂

  7. Children are children, no matter where they come from, Every one of us are born with the same color blood and to think of it most of us come from the same tribe somewhere no? 🙂 so how does it matter if the child is adopted,own,others, thanks for writing this,I am sharing it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s